WARNING: THIS
IS AN EXTREMELY LONG POST
Fifty days!
If you’d have asked me at the beginning of this fast what I was
thinking, I couldn’t have told you. It began as a simple whim in response to
one sentence my daughter Amanda made while having lunch with me. That one sentence was a seed that quickly
began to take root. The gist of what she
told me, was that her Church in Wynne, Arkansas does a corporate 21 day Daniel Fast
at the beginning of the year. They do it
for clarity, and direction, but as I sat listening to her, I became
intrigued. After I decided I wanted to
do this for myself, I sat down and made a list of things I wanted answers for
in my life, and things I wanted for the faith fellowship I love. Then came the decision for how long I would
fast. It was one week before
Resurrection Sunday (Easter) and I’d already embarked on a partial fast that
week. By Wednesday night, I felt
impressed to fast till Pentecost Sunday.
That simple, that easy.
As some of you have kept up with my journey, you’ve
probably wondered what I was asking prayer for, and what I’ve gained. Others of
you will probably care less. I didn’t
give you specifics, because I didn’t want someone artificially pumping me up,
or purposely working me. One thing I will tell you from the outset, food was
not on my mind when I began this, but it became abundantly clear, that food was
at the core of everything.
MY PRAYER NEEDS:
As an INFJ (Introverted, iNtuitive,
Feeling, Judging) personality type, (of which I score in the high 70’s multiple
times), I often find myself at odds with
what is expected of me as a father, husband, friend, and pastor, and what I
‘feel’ like doing. My nature is to
withdraw quietly within myself, and only allow a handful of people to get close
to me. I like my little home, with my
little office, and the seclusion it affords. When I don’t like something, or
someone, it is easy to withdraw, ignore, and isolate myself. If someone hurts me, or makes unreasonable
demands of me, I can simply escape to my little turtle shell. Not always good, but at least it's safe.
My
first prayer request was for God to show me how to love beyond hurt, and pain.
Loving those who treat us good is easy. Loving those who agree with us is especially
easy. Loving those who are constantly
giving to you is easy. I like easy. It’s like those “Staples” commercials with
the ‘EASY’ button. Who doesn’t want to keep pressing the ‘easy’ button all the
time? While I've been on this fast, EASY is not what I got. Almost from the very first day, I was thrust
back into past hurtful relationships, confronted with angry clients, and forced
to do things I despise. For example, every
job I got called out on for the first two weeks was something I hated to do,
and sometimes humiliating. At 60 years old I was
doing the very same things my father had me do when I was fourteen! Digging holes, cleaning up crap from people’s
messy lives, raking rocks, and wrestling railroad ties seemed to be all I was
called to do. EASY was not on the menu.
The Holy Spirit was backing me into a corner where there was no way out.
MY PRIDE WAS HURTING. No matter how far
I withdrew into my little turtle shell, the Holy Spirit was like a bulldog
trying to get me to come out. One
particular day when a long time client cancelled a very long term job, I
found myself battling all kinds of evil thoughts. I won’t tell you the thoughts that came into
my mind, but suffice it to say they were feelings of rejection, betrayal, and
worthlessness. I battled these thoughts
for two days; “God! I’m supposed to be getting closer to you” I screamed as I thought of ending the fast
and burying my sorrow in a big puffy marshmallow cream filled ‘long John.’ “Where are you God?” “What’s going on here?!!” “What’s the use of being on this fast, if
things in my life don’t get better.”
Then came the real anger. “Well,
that’s just like ‘so and so’” I thought
to myself. “He got me all excited about
doing a job and then backs out on me.”
By the end of two days I was mad at God, and darn right hateful toward
the client. (Yes, I do get mad at God,
and I’m not afraid to admit it, because in the end, I am in fearful awe of
Him.) What I think hurts God more than being mad at Him, is when we are angry
at one another. I nursed this anger for
another day until Pastor Eric taught on ‘forgiveness’ that Sunday morning. I’d allowed my desire for EASY to be the bait
Satan used to make me angry at a good friend, and a good God. I didn’t see my friend’s sorrow, nor did I
care. It was all about me. I went home that afternoon from Church and
bawled my eyes out, even as I wrote my blog.
I wanted to tell everyone what had happened, so I could get sympathy,
but the Holy Spirit wouldn’t let me. I
had to write the blog three times before my ‘Editor’ (the Holy Spirit) would
let me post it.
I came out of that time with a better understanding
of God’s Presence in the midst of our greatest betrayals. It is easy to think God doesn’t feel like we
do. He’s God, right? Nothing touches Him, right? Wrong!
The next day, as I drove to my first job the Holy Spirit spoke into my
resignation.
“I was betrayed, too.” came the tender voice of the
bulldog. “More times than you can imagine.”
“Come on, God!
You’re wearing it out” I said to
myself.
The Holy Spirit wasn’t about to let me sulk. “I gave everything I could give, and still
people betray me.” “I make such
beautiful plans for people’s lives, and still they choose their own way. I have
to watch in sorrow as they cancel out on what I could do for them.” “You began this fast asking me to help you
love beyond yourself, and instead you’ve whined and complained about what’s
happened. I’m asking you to trust me,
that this will all be good in the end.”
That morning, I realized I’d slipped into self-pity once more.
I had to accept that loving beyond myself isn’t a one-time easy
fix. It will be a lifetime of people doing and saying things that hurt me, especially those I cherish most. Loving them
in-spite of themselves is what I’m called to do, even if I don’t like it.
MY SECOND PRAYER REQUEST WAS TO BECOME MORE
DEPENDENT ON THE LORD.
From a strictly human viewpoint, that was the stupidest
thing to ask God to do. For me it was a
behavioral change. I’ve always trusted
God, sometimes to the confusion of those who believe I should be more
practical. Still, I felt that there was a deeper dependency than what I’d
already given. I thought when I began it
would be about him sustaining my strength without my usual diet. EEhhhhhhh, No! What came out of this request was something
I’d not even expected, and which is still working in my life. It was summed up in something my wife said to
me during a not too pleasant conversation.
Still the answer was in front of me all the time.
As a faith filled Christian, who believes in living
my faith out loud, it is hard for me to balance that against my natural skills, abilities, and proclivity to solve things for myself. Simply put, I’m a doer. I wouldn't be a handyman if I wasn't. I take after my Dad, who if things are quiet for more than ten
minutes, believes something is wrong with his world.
As the ‘fast’ wore on, I found myself confronted with a sudden drop off
in work, and cancellations. I shared a
little bit of this with you in an earlier blog, so I won’t bore you with a
re-hash. Suffice it to say, this has
been one of the driest two months in the history of my doing the handyman
business. I’m down to the last $600 of
my savings, and I don’t have any jobs on the docket. I’ve questioned God, questioned me, and began
thinking of whether I should try to re-enter the ‘employed’ economy. I was driving home from a small job three
days ago (Friday), when I began to murmur about the lack of work, and God’s
apparent abandonment of me. I wondered what the use was of being on this
fast if it didn’t produce anything good in me.
Didn’t God see the sacrifice I was making? Everyone at home, in my church, and in my
family is looking at me, and it looks like I’m a fool. ‘Look at super
spiritual Dave, he’s on this fast and everything is falling apart around
him.’
“I trusted you, God!” I screamed out as I pounded my steering
wheel. “Where are you?” I pulled
over at the top of the hill overlooking the city, and sobbed like I haven’t
sobbed in a long time. From deep within
me, the Holy Spirit began to calm the tears, I know it was Him, because it was
feeling good to keep on crying. If no
one else would give me sympathy, I could at least enjoy a good pout.
NOT!
“When was the last time you asked me for work?” came the voice of the Holy Spirit from deep
within me.
“Umm, Thursday, Lord.” I answered back smugly. “Remember I asked for the prayer group to
pray for me.”
“When was the last time YOU asked me for work?”
I hadn’t. I’d
been too busy, proclaiming, speaking positive, thinking positive, trying to not
be a disappointment to my faith.
“Lord, I need work.”
I said meekly.
“Not good enough.”
Replied the Holy Spirit. “I know
you need work.”
“What do you want?”
That’s when the conversation with my wife came back
to my mind. We’d been discussing in not
so easy terms, how people can come off as appearing arrogant when they don’t
ask for help. The modern church has
become good at doing the business
of church. As the Church, we’ve become so good at it,
that we’ve abandoned the basics of doing
‘CHURCH.’ We don’t want to impose
on people, or make unreasonable demands on people, therefore we often come off
as not needing people. Don’t get me
wrong, we’re good at asking for money, or church attendance, but more than that
is an imposition. The truth is, WE ALL
WANT TO BE NEEDED. As we become more like Christ, it becomes stronger in
us. Why?
Because that is what God wants, He wants us to need Him. As our ‘Daddy’ He still gets rocked when we
need Him. Our need for His provision is the beginning of our faith if we let it work in us. He likes it when we get
specific with Him. Why? Because, the more specific we become with
Him, the less chance we have of just passing it off as something other than
Him. Come on, admit it, He’s generically
good to all mankind. He gives rain, to
the just, and unjust alike. Our planet
continues to spin as it always has, and will continue to do so for as long as
he deems it. His specific blessings are
to those who ‘depend’ on Him. Every
lesson to the Children of Israel throughout the Old Testament was based upon
His desire to be their provider. When we
rely upon our own strength to do the impossible, we end up with the feasible,
reasonable, and rational. When we rely
on God, we end up with the truly miraculous.
NOW FOR THE EARTH SHAKING TRUTH MOST CHRISTIANS WILL NOT LIKE; God often uses us to be the miracle
someone else needs. We become
the only God someone may know. We can become the miracle God wants to work.
Our greatest disappointments with one another as
Christians arise because we didn’t ask or place a demand upon one another. We assume that the Holy Spirit will inform
our brother or sisters of what we need, and that it will just happen. We assume that simple loving kindness will
make our brothers and sisters do the right things, and be all loving, and
caring. That isn’t the case. Why?
Because most of us, (myself included) are so self-absorbed, battle
scarred, or focused on living this life, that we don’t think of other people as
we ought to. I’m the biggest
offender. When we don’t specifically ask
for help, we end up carrying a great big
trash bag of disappointments we’ve gathered, and when someone doesn’t think
about us as we think they should, we throw it in the bag, and drag it around behind
us. Before long, we become so bitter, we
never let the one’s we love off the hook.
I had this lesson taught to me years ago when the Holy Spirit gave me an
intimate view into the lives of people who’d disappointed me in my past. Now, nearly thirty years later, I’m going
over the same lesson in a different way.
Here it is in a nutshell.
Ask for help, and ask specifically! That way, the answer will be yes, no, or
maybe later. (Which is yes, but not now.)
Give people an informed opportunity to either disappoint you, or
surprise you. Forgive them when they
disappoint, and acknowledge them when they surprise you. If we don’t give people a chance to
disappoint us, we come across as arrogant, and conceited. We have to afford
people the opportunity to be the outstretched hand of God. This makes us yielded, and vulnerable at the
same time. The bible calls it being
submissive, which doesn’t only apply to being a servant, but also to allowing
others to serve us. When we’re
vulnerable, we’re transparent.
I’ve learned over the past 60 years, that some
people are marvelously adept as meeting the needs of others, and other people
simply want to feel needed by being asked.
We also have to learn to be honest, and forthright when a demand is
placed upon us. Generic requests for help doesn't acknowledge the gifts we see in people's lives. We all want to feel that
what we do is valued, whether it is making that special cake, or cookies, or
knowing how to fix a car, or providing transportation. Yes, it can become routine, and even
expected, but then don’t we treat God the same way. We treat God like a vending machine that we
believe spews out goodness just because we do good things, when actually he’s a
cupboard full of good things waiting for us to ask if we can have some. His favor is that we can ask. It isn’t necessary to be strong all the time.
PRAYER REQUESTS FOR MY FAITH FAMILY
My prayer requests for my faith family are still in
work. I’ve already told you one thing I
would like to see done in our church, and I'm waiting for the answer. We have so many needs in our old building,
and I become so frustrated when I either don’t have the time or the money to
fix them. I'm believing God for the funds to allow me to be employed full time at the church, That’s what I’ve been
praying for. I know, it’s
self-serving. I grimace when I write
it. Then, when I step into our building,
I hurt because I know what I could do. I’d just like to spend my last remaining years doing
what I do best for the Lord. Then somebody call the Waaambulance before I die
of self-pity.
THE GOOD STUFF
OKAY, now for the good stuff, or maybe not. This fast put me in touch with my body in a
way I’ve never experienced before. I’ve
learned what sugar has done to me. None
of it good. AS OF TODAY I’ve lost 28
pounds. I now weigh 160 pounds! Now, at 5’ tall, this isn’t an ideal weight,
and I still have a belly. I’m down to a
34” waist, which is what I had when I left the Air Force back in 1995. When I
left the Air Force I weighed 148 pounds, although my ideal weight is supposed
to be 95 to 127 pounds, I haven’t weighed 95 pounds since my junior year in
High School. I weighed 128 pounds when I
went into the Air Force. So, with all of
that said, I would be happy to weigh between 128 to 135 pounds as I cruise
toward the end of my life. I lifted
weights while stationed on the Stealth Fighter, and I expect that a good deal
of my ‘excess’ weight is muscle mass.
When I get down to 140 pounds I’d like to do a real BMI test to discover
how much of me is muscle, bone, and fat.
Charts, and calculators don’t take into account people’s body style.
So the weight loss was exciting, and addictive. As I step off the fast, I intend to stay as
close to the fast as possible. No more
soda pop, no more added sugars, and a huge change in bread intake. Hamburgers, and hot dogs are a thing of the
past. Not because of the meat, but
because of the breads. I’ll have to be
careful with potatoes, because I do love potatoes. Mostly, one of the things
that’s changed is a desire to stay on this for my wife Glenda. She’s been battling diabetes for the last
fifteen years that I know of, and who knows how long before that. I didn’t begin this with her in mind, but as
I saw the correlation between her ‘diabetes’ diet and the Daniel fast, it
became a powerful reason to stay into it.
I can continue this forever, if it allows her to be healthier longer. That wasn’t in me before the fast. Before the
fast, it was ‘her problem’, and I didn’t want it to affect what I ate. I would take her out to eat with little
concern for what it meant for her. Now,
I find myself understanding her situation.
So much of our western diet is more than we need, and not good for
us. Oh, it tastes good going down, but
it ends up debilitating us in our golden years.
I realize how much I love fresh veggies, (just not asparagus, because I
think of ‘Junior Asparagus’ every time she gets one from the garden.) I also realize what I’ve done to my
metabolism by ingesting all the sugar that I have.
END OF LECTURE.
Finally, if the weight loss wasn’t reason enough, I
also learned how sugar affects my moods, and my drive. If I’d not been doing the fast, and still
going through everything I’ve gone through this last fifty days, I would have
lost it. My emotions are on a much more
even keel. Believe me, as you’ve already
seen, I still make mistakes, and occasionally my old stinking thinking tries to
wake up, but overall, the fast has shown me how sugar regulated my life. I’m actually looking forward to another Daniel
fast, but this time I’d like it to be a 21 day fast with my faith family. Heck, if a meat and potatoes guy like me can
go 50 days, anyone can.
Oh, and by the way, I ended the fast with a plate of Chili Colorado from Nopalitos here in Harrison Arkansas. I didn't eat the rice, I had refried beans without cheese, and corn tortillas. All in all, I feel good.
So, here is to believing God for more than I can ask for, more than I can dream of, and more than I can hope for. I'm ready God.
God Bless, thank you for all your prayers, and may
all your desires be God’s desires.
