The holidays are over and I'm wondering what the new year is going to bring. I've never been big on new year resolutions because they infer knowing that we have more than today. None of us know how long we have left in this life. I'm not morbid, or fatalistic, but there are some things that are simply the truth. I don't care who you are, how rich, powerful, strong, or healthy you are, you have no promise of tomorrow. So, New Years resolutions are a waste of energy.
What is the promise of New Years day? Why is it different than any other day? I think we make a big deal about it because we as human beings like to believe there is hope for something better. I used to view my days on this earth in terms of how old I am, and how many days I think I have left. With this new year has come new thoughts.
All I have is the next heartbeat, the next breath, the next thought. Everything I've framed my life in since I can remember has been focused on 'time.' Even my relationship with Jesus Christ is focused on time. Who I am is determined by time. To wax biblical, my days on this earth are marked by my white hair, and the wrinkles upon my face, but they don't define who I am inside. Still if someone were to see me, they would say I was 'old.' For a vertically challenged person like me, looking old was all I wanted to do. There was a day when it didn't matter how old I was, I was often viewed as being younger than 18. So, being old isn't something I'm worried about. Being at peace with God, myself, and others is.
Through faith in Christ, being at peace with God came a long time ago. Through that faith in Christ I have been able to live at peace with almost everyone around me. However, being at peace with myself is something that is a recent development. Even within that peace, I've been going through a major conflict in my life that has challenged me in every aspect of my life, even in my faith. I've alluded to it over the last few posts, but it seems to have come to a place where I don't think it will turn out the way I'd hoped. Time moves on, putting it's stamp upon every millisecond, minute, hour without seeing the resolution I'd hoped for. I wanted nothing but good in this situation, but it hasn't happened. For a long time I was walking around gritting my teeth, feeling helpless, and wishing for love to rule the day. Now I know I can only hope for this minute, this instant, this moment. I can't change others around me. I can only change me.
The first time I mentioned this in my blog I said it would be something I would look back on with an assurance that God has been with me throughout the whole thing. Even then I knew I would be at peace with the situation, but I wanted to be honest with my feelings as I went 'through' it.
It is time to reveal what I felt: First and foremost is a sense of deep disappointment with people I thought I knew as well as I know myself. I didn't feel betrayed, just disappointed. It's hard to judge someone when they disappoint you, because I know I've disappointed so many people in my life. I can't even be angry, just disappointed. Almost 60 years ago, someone I love made a fateful decision that has changed my life today. Nothing can alter the consequences of that decision, but I am determined to live every moment celebrating the love those consequences has brought into my life.
The other day I was discussing this with someone who is on the other side of the consequences, and they said something very profound that I'm going to hold onto for the rest of my moments. "Fear destroys Peace." I refuse to let fear, or disappointment control my life. Love is the best thing I can do, and I am determined to let love rule my life. Why? Because I don't have enough time to do anything else, I only have the next moment.
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