There are times you say a prayer, and you don't even know you said it. I've been quietly writing on this blog for a while without posting my articles to friends, simply because I've been working my way through the trauma of seven years of being a caregiver in one way or another. It began slowly with my mother first. I don't know the mechanism of her mental decline, but all I do know is that sometime around 2015, I began to notice that she wasn't remembering things correctly. The worst result of this was the eventual loss of friends, due to misunderstandings largely due to her failing memory. A severe bout of shingles on her face, colon cancer, and eventually breast cancer forced her to retreat to home. By 2017 Mom had begun to seriously decline, both physically, and mentally. The once ultra-smart woman who'd learned C and C+ without a college education was only a shadow of what we'd all known. Her life story which she easily shared to people in need of hope began to change to something unrecognizable. The once patient, and long-suffering woman I'd idolized would launch out into tirades of profanity that I never even thought she knew. Through this time I would go to their house, making sure she took her meds, and visit with her, and dad before going to work.
It was during this time of her decline that Dad suffered numerous panic attacks, fueled by A-fib. These attacks led to numerous visits to the ER, week long stays in hospitals far from home, and endless apologies to nurses for his behavior if the visit went more than two days. When my Mom finally passed this vale, it was almost merciful. Like I said in my last blog, it took Dad nearly a year and a half to follow her.
Then came Glenda. I've written enough times and I won't go over it again, but from the day it was discovered to the day she went home with the Lord, it was barely seven months. At the end of the ordeal, I was exhausted, and spiritually drained. Because my immediate family all live in other cities, and states, it fell upon my church family to hold me together. They did!! My children, my siblings, and even a couple of my grandchildren made me feel wanted and loved. Still, 2023 will forever be the year of my sorrow. I lost 3 family members, and 3 good friends, all in the span of a year. In many ways, I was alone, and felt abandoned by God. I knew in my head I wasn't, but my heart sure felt empty, and alone. At 69 years old, how could a short, fat, worn out old man ever hope to have the love I'd enjoyed with Glenda?
The Unintentional Prayer; In my last blog I mentioned that I'd been asked whether I was dating or not. At that time I didn't think I could. I listed a few things I would like if a woman offered. I also said that I would never ask, but it would have to be God who brought someone into my life. I don't know if God took it as a challenge, but without my knowing it, he answered my unintentional prayer. I fully placed it into God's hands as to whether I would ever know a woman's company again. Sometimes, I believe God has a vast sense of humor. Sometimes, when he answers our unspoken prayers, he will gently remind us of when we asked him for something. There it was in my last blog!
About a week ago I was asked to take a young lady from our church to work because her car had suffered two flat tires. As I drove her to her job, we talked about how she was feeling, and other mundane things. Then as soon as I dropped her off, I broke into sobs and had to pull over in the parking lot. It felt like an eternity since I'd heard a woman's voice in my car. It wasn't HER voice in particular, but a woman's voice. That morning, our men's group worked to get her car fixed, and get her on the road. Still I battled with what the feeling of hearing a woman's voice in my car did to me. and from the depths of my heart came the prayer that God answered. I told the men that I would gladly take her back and forth to work just to have a woman's voice in my car again. Later that day, when I got home, I sank into my recliner and vented my heart to God. I told him that if I was going to be alone for the rest of my life, I'd rather he take me home now. That wasn't His plan.
Later that afternoon, we had a church function and I was relating to our music pastor what happened to me. Then from a corner of the kitchen I heard a woman(not the one I took to work) say; I'll go in your car with you anytime you want. It was as if time stood still. A million questions raced through my brain: Is this from God? Is this right? Is this fair to her? What do I say? What do I do? Without warning I felt like a sixteen year old boy again, with all those self-doubts, fears, and gawkiness that goes with having a girl give you permission to date her.
Because I am transparent above all things, I want to share with friends and family where I am now in our relationship. I don't believe in dating, I believe in courtship. Until she gives me permission to say her name, suffice it to say "LR" and I are pursuing a prolonged courtship. Her husband died during the COVID pandemic, and he was a good brother in the Lord. It brings about some awkward feelings for me, but at the same time, she knew Glenda just as long as I knew her husband. I'm saying all of this because I didn't realize that I'd made an unintentional prayer until I'd re-read my last blog. I've always believed in the Edwardian rules of etiquette, so her honor is critical to me. As a matter of fact, I feel sorry for her in many ways because she is going to have to explain how this fat, ugly, little sparrow is sitting on the telephone wire next to her. So far, she hasn't flown away even though I've pressed her pretty hard.
So, there it is. Within one day I went from being alone, broken, and hopeless, to being alive, and excited about tomorrow. I went from feeling that I would never find someone again, to someone finding me. Most of all, I realize that sometimes we pray unintentional prayers from the bottom of our hearts to the throne room of God that he loves answering more than our most eloquent prayers. Maybe this old fat sparrow can know happiness again. Maybe, just maybe I can bring her happiness again. All I know is that this happened outside of any manipulations I could have done.
So, on this Thanksgiving day in 2024, I want to give thanks to God for knowing what I needed even when I hadn't asked for it. I sure hope she feels the same way.
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