Their situation is like a lot of couples their age, in that one is fading mentally, but still physically able to get around, and the other while very much in control of their faculties, has begun to fail physically. As I watch them both cope with their respective issues, I can't help but wonder what my lot in life will be.
From the time I can remember, my Dad was a mountain. His hands were like mallets, and if he laid a hold on you, there was no escape. At the same time, I never once saw him hit another man, or my mom. I don't know if he was always that controlled, but I do know that he said he loved to fight when he was in school. I never saw it. Still, I wouldn't wanted to have been in a fight with him. I worked with him from the time I was eight years old, till I was 21, and he was a difficult man to work for. He worked hard, furiously, and expected you to know what he wanted before he wanted it. I didn't. This caused me to be at the blunt end of his acidic tongue, and stern stare. He worked long hours, often leaving before 7 in the morning, and sometimes coming home later than seven at night. To say he was a worker would be a massive understatement. So, you can imagine how I feel watching this force of nature shrivel up, and become a shadow of the man he was. It has only been in the last couple of years that I've seen him slow down, and especially more so in this last year. There are a lot of things that happened to him over the last ten years, and I am convinced that the medications he takes have taken a toll on his strength, and his vigor. Thankfully, he still has his mental capacity. Although, I'm not sure if that is a blessing or a curse, because he knows he's failing, but he doesn't want to go. He is sometimes overcome with panic attacks, and he snaps at people in public, something he never did before. I'm sure it's because he's afraid. He is one of those men who get angry when they get scared. I remember being in a bad motorcycle accident as a teenager, and having to endure him yelling at me for nearly thirty minutes. At one point he yelled out "If you weren't hurt so bad, I'd kill you." That was just the way he dealt with fear.
Mom on the other hand is frail, but still able to get around, albeit gingerly. Her problem is her failing memory. It began about three years ago, but now it is almost unbearable to be around her. She knows who I am, and she has a descent memory for things long ago, but, she can ask you the same question at least five times in about ten minutes. We tried to get her to get help about a year ago, but she felt as if we were trying to have her put away in a Nursing Home. If you try to tell her that she has asked the same question numerous times, she gets angry. This is heartbreaking to all of us boys because when we were growing up she was at the forefront of the technology curve. She worked out at White Sands Missile Range from the time I was thirteen years old, and eventually learned to program in Cobalt, which was amazing for a woman who didn't have a college education. I still remember the first time she brought home this weird looking box that allowed her to connect to her computer at the installation. Now, she can barely connect to Facebook. We've all tried to bring her into the 21st century only to be frustrated. Like my Dad, she was someone I was in awe of as a child. She was only 4 foot 10 inches tall, but I knew better than to talk back to her. A matter of fact I never once thought of myself as taller than her until I was in my thirties. Losing her short term memory is painful to watch, because we've started to see her long term memory erode. There was a day when she could tell you everyone's birthday, where they were born, and other fascinating things. All of my childhood friends loved to spend hours talking with her because she engaged them in love, and genuine interest.
Both of my parents have lived through some pretty tough physical situations. Dad had both of his knees replaced when he was 68 years old. In the same year, he had a pulmonary embolism that nearly killed him. He's also been fighting Diabetes since he was seventy, and now his kidneys are failing. Mom has endured three types of cancer in the last 25 years, and her legs are almost gone. They're both on blood thinners and the price of their long life is somewhere near a thousand dollars a month in medications. I think the worst insult of all is that Dad can't drive long drives like he used to. He was a truck driver for years, and driving has always meant freedom for him. Now, he can barely drive more than two hours.
This is difficult for me, because I always felt as if I would die before they got old. Call it being melodramatic, or morbid, whatever, I never thought I'd live to see them both at this point in their lives. Both of my grandfathers died in their sixties, and I have always done 'dangerous' work. I knew I would never make it to my sixties, so it just never occurred to me that I would see my parents deteriorate before my eyes. It isn't kind, and it isn't easy. Life isn't like a Dylan Thomas poem, and not everyone has the ability to 'rage against the night'. Sometimes the thief come in and steals your memory while you weren't looking, or steals your vitality while you are asleep. I'm sure I'm feeling sorry for myself, and I'm probably being just a little selfish, but I wish they could remain the vibrant, and energetic people who formed me into the man I am today.
While talking with Dad about his most recent panic attack, I reminded him that he's lived a long life, and has lived to see two of his great-grandchildren become adults. "Well," he said with tears in his eyes, "I'd like to live long enough to see my great-great-grandchildren." Who can argue with that? I also know one of his fears is knowing that if he dies, Mom would have to be put in a nursing home. He's worked hard to keep that from happening. Both of my grandmothers lived well into their nineties, so no telling how long mom will live.
Now, I have come to a point in my own life where I wonder when the call will come saying that one of them has died. Watching your parents get old is no fun.
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