This is a first for me. I cut my index finger and can't type, so I'm using my speech to text function and I'm surprised at how well it's going. When I write, I'm a stream of consciousness style of writer, but I discovered that most speech to text editors don't like my breaks in thought. Admit it, we very rarely talk like we write.
It's important that I put down into words how I'm feeling right now, because I want to express my heart in the midst of the battle. Often times we find ourselves looking back at a situation and putting a positive spin on what we went through. We often forget how we felt in the midst of it. I've been going through a situation in my life that I don't have a lot of spiritual guidance in. When I've asked spiritual people for input, I rarely get an answer that jives with my heart and spirit. At the same time I don't have a path to follow, I just know that when others give me a direction it doesn't feel right. I know what I want to do, but then I also know it has the potential to destroy lives I care deeply about. On the other hand, there are others who will be equally destroyed and left empty if I go the other way in defense of those I love. There isn't an easy answer. Right now, I envy the little sparrows bouncing up and down in the dew covered grass as they look for bugs.
In the midst of this situation, I can tell you, love isn't always easy. I feel as if I'm in a lifeboat with a handful of people and I have to decide who to throw overboard in order to stay afloat. I can't save everyone, but I want to. Truths I've been taught all my life don't seem to apply. People who taught me everything I believe aren't behaving as they taught me, and there is no moral absolute. There isn't an easy answer. Oh I think I've already said that.
For someone who values peace, I am in turmoil over what to do. You would think that at my age I would have run up against this situation sometime in my past. I haven't. I can't even share the specifics in this blog because it would cause so much damage. Yet, it came about by accident, actually just in a desire to know something fun and good.
So, like I said, I'm in a quandary.
One thing I've learned though, is that you can't always protect the people you love. You can't always protect love. There are times you look at a situation and there isn't a path of least resistance. There may not be a happy ever after. Goodness is on the other side of a huge mountain of unknowns.
The end of this situation doesn't look good for me, or anyone. Someone is going to walk away broken hearted, and I'll be the bad guy no matter what I do.
With all of that said, and everyone knowing how I am feeling in the midst of this situation, let me declare what my heart believes: People want, and need love, and sometimes it runs away from us just as fast as we can chase it. Good people can do bad things for good reasons, bad people can do good things. The past should never be our prison, and fear be the warden. Like I said in my last blog, truth will set you free, but you have to be able to tell it in such a way as to gain forgiveness for your mistakes.
Forgiveness is the crux of the situation I'm in. The truth can cut the people I know and love to the heart, forgiveness can change the situation from potential disaster to amazing joy. This is why I'm glad God didn't give us the ability to read minds. That is why God is extraordinary. He created us knowing full well what we would do to Him even before He uttered a word at the dawn of time. Yet, he loved us. You can't love, or be love as in 'God is love' without being forgiving. It's impossible. Truly impossible. That doesn't mean everyone I love and those that say they love Christ can be forgiving. I know, I wrestled with unforgiveness for most of my life.
You see, I believed in Jesus, and in God, but I didn't find their love for me until I found their forgiveness. Finding love, means giving forgiveness. I can only hope that those I love can have forgiveness.
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