THE AUDACITY OF ARROGANCE

It is a very pleasant morning here in the Sparrows perch. A cold front (the August type) moved through yesterday, and the breeze blowing through the window is almost chilly. You know, the kind of chilly where 68 degrees feels like you have to put a light jacket on. The long string of high 90's and 100's have sucked the life out of everything. Add to that, an entire summer with barely an inch or two of rain, and just walking outside becomes exercise. However, I am thankful for this time in the mornings once more. I am thankful for the cool of the day, when God's presence is so easy to feel, and my own heart is set so firmly on realizing him the rest of the day. I am blessed to hear the songs of the sparrows, starlings, and even the gentle coo of pigeons. I like to turn off the florescent lights in my office, because their hum drowns out the gentler sounds of the city as it begins to wake up.

I’ve been very reticent about writing this particular blog, even though I’ve been able to return to my normal daily routine of going to the church early in the morning for over a week. If you’ve read the previous two blogs, you understand how important that is to me. I believe that the lack of this special time for the last month was the reason I've failed to live under an open heaven through many of the conflicts that have come my way. If I were to share with you the things that have happened during this last month, you’d understand it’s importance even more. It’d be easy to pretend that everything was great during the last month, but that would be a lie. I could even write about everything else under the sun, but it wouldn’t mask the fact that this last month will undoubtedly go down in my mind as one of the worst months in my life.

For those people who don’t like to talk about spiritual conflict, or don’t believe in it, DON’T READ ANY FURTHER, you'll just get offended. I've done enough of that to last a lifetime!

Actually, I should be the happiest man on earth right now. Two weeks ago, my only son married a beautiful young woman whose inward beauty rivals that of her physical. For that I’m grateful to God. My greatest desire is that he be a better husband and father than I was.

Like all weddings, his came at a cost, a spiritual cost. Things happened, things were said, and the insults piled up. Before long, I didn’t even want to go to the wedding. Once I’d went, I was sorry I went. Not that the wedding wasn't beautiful, but everything leading up to it was. . . .Suffice it to say, I pray to God, this is the last wedding any of my children go through. No divorces or remarriages, please.

Over the last month, the enemy of my soul has pressed me in hard, and almost robbed me of the joy of doing anything. He has used family, friends, and even absolute strangers to challenge me on every front. The battleground hasn’t been an area of gross sin, blatant cruelty, or even my tendency to be short tempered. If it had been these areas, I would have easy paths of help already built in. My brothers in the Lord would be ready to buck me up and help me. My brothers in the Lord know what I look like when I'm battling these things. The battleground has been my confidence in who I am, and more specifically people calling my motivations into question. Wow, it's been nearly six years since I last fought this battle.

It would be an understatement to say I have wanted to crawl away under a rock somewhere and hide. Trust me, the fetal position sounded good to me a few times. I haven’t figured out, what makes people feel so easy to offer their opinions, when opinions weren’t asked for, but I must be wearing a sign that demands people do it. These unsolicited opinions have raged on and on for the last month, and they follow along these tracks. “I wouldn’t have done that.” “Shame on you.” “What’d you do that for?” “What were you thinking?” “If I’d have done that. . . . “ “What'd you say that for?”, “I'd have done it this way.”, “Are you sure?” and on and on and on. Every time I'd stand up and dust myself off, I'd be buffeted again. I suddenly, and without relief, felt like a bullied child again. A part of me wanted to lash out, and say mean things back. You know, the kind of adult remarks that are the equivalent of “your mother wears combat boots.” I’m mature enough to know it is the audacity of arrogance, that the arrogant do not realize they are being so. If you try and point out their arrogance, you are accused of being unchristian or too sensitive. In their eyes there is no excuse for your behavior and it is their God given right to express their opinion of you. If you can't take their abuse, there's something wrong with you. What's worse, is that I know from experience, not to try and defend myself. If you try to defend yourself, you only invite greater criticism. So, I kept my mouth shut. . . . most of the time. The one time I failed, whew, did it ever stink. Nothing worse than resurrecting that old dead stinking corpse. I don't care how much spiritual disinfectant I used, the old man stunk.

If all the abuse had come from one person, I would have been able to brush it aside easily, but it came from every angle, from people I least expected it to come from. No sooner would I get my attitude back in check, than someone else would step in and pierce me through. I felt like a customer service clerk at the abuse desk. "Here take a number, and I'll allow you to verbally abuse me in just a few minutes."  This week it finally came to a head, when a man I greatly admire, insinuated that I would lie to him. After I picked up my jaw from off the floor, I walked away stinging. I wanted to fire back with everything within me. Lord, it would have felt good to point out the numerous times he’s been double-minded, and even point out his lies. (For those of you who might be thinking that this is an underhand way to do that, he doesn’t read this blog and doesn’t know anyone that does.)

Trust me, the man took what remaining wind I had, out of my sails. I'm hanging limp in a dead calm sea of self indulgence, my old man stinking on the deck, (actually I tied him to the mast,) wondering what in the world happened? I found myself asking: What is going on? What is all of this about, Lord? I’m tired of this, I don’t want to do anything. Somebody find me a rock to crawl under, or just shoot me. Running away would feel so good.

BUT,

The Lord isn’t content to let me wallow in self pity for very long. Now, don’t get me wrong, I’d have liked for him to give me as much time as he gave Bro. Peter. I mean, four days to wallow in my own self-pity would have been great. Do you hear that God? What’s wrong with a good four-day whine? What's the deal, Lord? I’ve been kicked around for a solid month, and now you want me to simply suck it up and move on like nothing ever happened? All these people are saying bad things about me. Why don’t you step in and do some serious ‘vengeance is mine saith the Lord’ type stuff. Why don’t you do some serious head cracking, and getting even stuff for me? I thought you LOVED me! These people are calling my character into question. I don’t call their character into question. I do what you say! What about ME?!!!!!!!

OOPSsssssssssssss, Red Flag!

How’d I get here?

Like I said at the beginning of this blog, for the last month, I’ve been unable to go to the sparrows perch in the mornings. Sure, I’ve been praying, reading the bible, reading spiritual books, listening to christian music, working with christian brothers, doing all the things that work at a religious level, but my time in the presence of the Lord has suffered. The red flag the Lord gave me a few years ago, to alert me to when I was out of relationship with him, was when I find myself asking; “What about me?” That’s my cue, that I’ve moved away from being close with the creator of my soul. That one statement, is the place where arrogance, pride, and self-centeredness have all combined to make me focus on myself.

You see, spiritual warfare has all kinds of battlegrounds. Some of them, such as addictions, are easily seen, and it is obvious to everyone you are in a spiritual battle. Other battlegrounds, those that are way down deep in our minds, are not so easily seen. That is why I’m glad the Holy Spirit put the red flag up for me. I mean I could have gone on a lot longer feeling sorry for myself. I have, in the past.

On the other hand, I like living under an open heaven, and I thoroughly enjoy God's presence in my life. I can't stand the smell of that old stinking corpse that used to be me. I like the new creation in Christ Jesus, and just like the Apostle Paul, there is one thing I know, putting the past behind me, I press on to the high calling of Christ Jesus. So, for those of you who feel that I let you down this month, I did. For those of you who feel that I could have done a better job, I could have. For those of you who felt I was insensitive, I was. To the one who felt I’d lied, you misunderstood. Living in the perfect law of love, means that even when you are misunderstood, you are wrong when you demand people know they misunderstood. You see, the problem with arrogant people is, it is very difficult to tell them when they are arrogant. I know, I'm still cleaning up the deck from trying to push that old arrogant corpse overboard. This time I hung a millstone around his neck.

Thank you Holy Spirit.