The month of March will always be an emotional time for me, and today was an emotional rollercoaster. It was 2 years ago that my wife, Glenda, had surgery to remove a walnut sized tumor from her brain. At the same time that Glenda was recuperating in the hospital, they had to put my Dad into a rehab center to recover from a fall that had left him on the floor of his bedroom overnight. Little did I know that within twelve days, he would be gone. It was the beginning of an eight month long journey from hope to hopelessness, joy to sorrow, and everything in between. Over the course of the next eight months, I would lose four good friends, and loved ones. 2023 will always be my "Annus horribilis" (horrible year).
This morning as I was getting ready for church, my google photos feed pumped about eight pictures from Glenda's hospital stay, and Dad's hospital stay. To say the least, after that, I really didn't want to go to church, because I wanted to stay home and not have to paste on a fake smile. I wanted to have my own little pity party. I didn't want anyone to have to pat me on my back and comfort me, but I went anyway, and put on my best glad rags. At the same time, the emotions were right there at the edge of my heart, and I couldn't hide them. So, I went, and wouldn't you know it while I was on my way to church, my Spotify feed played "It is well" by Bethel Music. Believe me, the last thing I wanted was to hear was "It is well." I pulled into the parking lot, slammed my car into park, and began to sob. It's funny how grief can sneak up on you and slap you without warning. After about five minutes of debating whether to drive back home or go in, I opted for going in. Please don't attribute anything noble to that decision. It was a coin toss at best. It wasn't a brave decision, nor did I behave well. Just because it is well, doesn't mean it is great. In Horatio Spafford's hymn "When Peace, Like a River" he wrote; "When Peace like a river attends my way, when sorrows like sea billows roll; Whatever my lot, you have taught me to know, it is well, it is well with my soul." Sorrow, and pain often break over us like giant waves as we journey on this ocean of life, and sometimes there is no way to avoid it. Sometimes our faith plunges through wave after wave driven by the storms of life. Sometimes all we can do is lash ourselves to the ship of faith and believe that in the end it is well. We are allowed to grieve, and actually we are told to mourn with those who mourn. Of late, our fellowship has battled an unending battle with health issues. Never mind that most of us are getting on in years and these things are to be expected. These earthly tents get worn out and we have to discard them in order to get our new ones. It's heartbreaking to watch as the ravages of time make our bodies threadbare, and even get folded in the storms that rage around us. Our voyage is fraught with peril no matter what we do. While I always expected to be taken up in the rapture, living this long has also forced me to endure the loss of loved ones, and the slow decline of my own body.
I never thought I would live longer than Glenda, and I truly miss the woman who shared my life for forty seven years, but am assured that my grief will be erased one day because I have been given a blessed assurance that I will see her again. Till the day God takes me home, I will always be moved by certain songs that spoke to my heart during her illness, and special places we went together in her last year. My heart will always be broken in the month of March as I confront the worst times in my life with the tender memories of our life together. It's complicated, and I know it doesn't sound like I'm a very good Christian. I should be rejoicing more about how we'll be spending eternity together, but this is now, and for some reason almost two years later it still hurts.
As a final note, as I was looking up who wrote "When Peace, Like a River," I saw a meme that made me laugh and feel better. I can't share the meme because the language is something I wouldn't say, but I did like this part of it; If fate whispers to you, "You can't withstand the storm" Whisper back "I am the storm."
I won't go quietly, and....I am the storm!
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