A YEAR OF TEARS

When someone you love passes from this vale to the next, it leaves a huge hole in your heart that hardly anything or anyone can fill. When Glenda, and I began our journey 48 years ago, I never dreamed that it would be me who would be widowed.
So, here I am, a year out from Glenda's death, still grieving my fetching bride.  It's hard to believe that it was a year ago today that I held her in my arms as she took her last breath. Initially I blamed myself for not being right there by her side as she had her heart attack. It's taken a long time, but I've come to accept that it was a merciful death, without the prolonged stages of death that took my Mom and my Dad.  Within minutes she was gone, leaving a 48 year wide hole in my heart. I don't know what sparrows do when their mate dies, but I know this old fat sparrow doesn't have much of a desire to do anything.  Somehow through the grace of God, I've been able to find reasons to do stuff, and keep going. Mind you, they haven't been world changing or even constructive things. Most of the time, I just put one foot in front of the other and keep moving.

The greatest challenge I've had over this last year has been trying to get my will and trusts done before I die so that my children don't have to go through a legal nightmare.  I found out that when someone dies, everyone has their hands out.  That has been the saddest thing I've discovered.  

On a more positive note, since Glenda's passing, I've taken a few wonderful trips to places I've never been before, and visited family who probably wished I'd never shown up.  I still have a desire to go see some of Glenda's family along the Mississippi river.  I'm thinking about going there sometime before winter.  I've been treated so well by my own family and hers, so I just feel a need to visit and let them know how much she meant to me, what she went through, and how much she loved them.  

I've spent the last year doing things she loved to do.  I bought a season pass to

Silver Dollar City, and now I usually go there at least once a week.  I used to only go there to get a funnel cake, but now I go stand outside her favorite rides and wish I could hear her infectious laughter one more time.  She loved thrill rides.  

I went to my oldest daughter's home for Christmas. 
It was the one thing Glenda wanted to do before she was going to put herself on hospice care, but she never made it.  I felt guilty going there without her, but I was able to work my way through it thanks to Amanda, and my granddaughter Eva spending time with me.  

I also drove to Ponca City in February to celebrate my birthday and visit the place where Glenda and I met, and where we were married.  So much has changed in the 48 years since we fell in love there. 

The Church we were married in

The hospital where I was born

The old parking lot where we first met is still there but it is in bad shape. The church we were married in is no longer a church.  The building looks as if its been abandoned for twenty years or more. 

From there I drove over to Amarillo, Texas and had lunch at the Big Texan steakhouse.  This was to celebrate childhood memories of Mom and Dad stopping there on our way from El Paso, Tx  to Ponca City.  Dad always knew the best places to stop and eat.  I can't begin to tell you the magical Christmas stops we made there.  I'll never forget those wonderful stops there.

We walked 14 miles 

From Amarillo, I drove all the way to Corpus Christi to spend a week with both of my brothers.  It was an awesome trip and they treated me like a king.  My sister-in-law Liz helped me to discard some of my guilt over Glenda, while treating me to a wonderful time.

Of course you have to do Whataburger when you're in Texas

My Brother DL moving stuff around so I can sleep in the barn.

From Corpus I went to Houston and I spent four days with Glenda's sister Carla and her husband Ken. I felt so guilty while I was there because I felt like I'd let them down in caring for Glenda. Instead, they welcomed me with open arms and gave me undivided attention while I was there. You might be wondering why I felt guilty, but my guilt comes from believing that God loans us his daughters for us men to take care of and to love.  While no one could deny I loved her, I feel I didn't take care of her as she deserved.  After a wonderful visit to all my family in Texas, I drove home, and lived out of my suitcase for the month of March.  

In April I drove all the way to Buffalo, New York to visit with family there.  It'd been over 60 years since Dad had served on the Nike/Hercules unit stationed on Grand Island, and I wanted to see Niagara falls, which was one of my bucket list items.  It was an awesome trip spent with wonderful people. 

There is not enough words to say to describe this beautiful family

After living out of a suitcase from Christmas till April, I came home, emptied it out, but left it on the spare bed. When I sat down with my google maps, I discovered that I'd done over 8,000 miles of travelling.  I hope to do a repeat with a few deletions and a few additions.  

My final trip was to go back to see Amanda for the 4th of July.  Amanda, Peter, and Eva went on a journey with me to Quincy, Illinois to do research on one of our Bragg family ancestors who had a candy factory there during the early 1900's.  It was a wonderful day full of discovery and fellowship. 

Wow, what a fireworks show, and what a wonderful time.  After this trip, I finally put my suitcase under the bed, and haven't traveled any further than Springfield. I will enjoy seeing my oldest grandson, Elijah getting married in October, but I won't have to pack for that.  Glenda would have loved this, and she would have been busy making everything just right. I'm going to try and help, but I'm a poor excuse for Glenda. 

So, am I through traveling?  Not by a long shot.  Even though I've done a good portion of my bucket list, I still have a few more things I'd like to do before I can't do them anymore.  Since Glenda passed, I've become an Indiana Fever fan thanks to Caitlin Clark.  Next season I'd like to make a trip to Indianapolis to watch her play at the arena.  I've been told that it is beyond belief.  I'd also like to make a trip to Scotland to visit the places where my families hail from.  My DNA shows me being 57% Scottish, with both maternal and paternal lines higher than that.  The Mackeys, Matthesons, Merrells, and Trouts are all of Scottish descent.  So, maybe next year I'll go there.  I know people who've been there that say it is a beautiful place with lovely people.  I also want to go to Amanda's and do the Polar Express again as well as visit Belleville.  I love the Christmas festival they do every year.  I'd also like to do Niagara falls again as well as return to Mackinac Island to celebrate Glenda there. I'd like to do some airshows, and go to visit Universal Orlando once more, before I can't do it. 

Our last Anniversary together on a lake cruise at Table Rock Lake.
 

Yes, I still grieve, but the days of constant tears are over.  My last 'bad' day was when I realized I couldn't remember her voice anymore.  That took the breath out of me all day long.  I felt so guilty!!  I stormed around the house looking for old videos of her, but the tapes were ruined.  Even old voicemails were gone. These things are hard to explain to someone who's never lost a spouse.  Thankfully I finally found a video I'd taken on her birthday in 2022 a year before she was diagnosed with cancer.  I play it when I want to hear her voice.

I'm told not to say never, but I don't think I'll ever fall in love with someone else again.  Don't get me wrong, I don't relish the thought of being alone for the rest of my days, but I also can't imagine anyone else filling those days.  Besides, Glenda was made for me, and I hope I was made for her.  I wouldn't want to put someone through the same thing I've gone through.  Loneliness is my biggest battle, but I'm learning how to channel it into positive things. When you've been married to someone as long as Glenda and I were, it's the simple things you miss most. I miss holding her hand while walking together. I miss her calling out for me when she needed something.  I miss her advice and counsel more than I can say.  She was so wise when it came to relationships, and I was, and am so clumsy at them. I miss being able to pat her butt when I would pass by her. She would grouse about it but she couldn't hide her smile as I did it. There are so many things I miss.  I miss the intimacy, and human touch of 48 years of living together.  The last eight months of her life were hard, but she was tough, and she showed me how to be selfless, something I'd never done before.  Have I told you I miss her laugh most of all?

There you have it, one year later I still miss my fetching bride, and she still impacts my life. This wasn't written for sympathy, but just to let people know how I'm doing. More than anything, I want people to know how special she was by how big the hole in my heart is.  I have a great church family that love on me whenever I'm there, and with their help I hope to finish this journey with honor and dignity  I know that God is watching over me, even as he keeps his eye on the sparrow.  And as Jesus said; I am of greater value than a flock of sparrows.  

    

The absolute best day from which all my other best days have come.